Please don’t force me to run for Congress…just to fix the gas can!

Please don’t force me to run for Congress…just to fix the gas can! by Jeff Oravits

For me, the modern gas can is a symbol of American decline and the political stupidity that’s expediting it! Don’t know what I’m taking about? Then you’ve probably never had to fill something with a modern American gas can that’s been Frankensteined by the modern American politician. 

I bought a new government gas can from my local big box store the other day and its a real expensive piece of crap! It’s a 5 gallon gas can, contains the latest version of the government regulated, save me from my own stupidity, save the world spout. You know what I’m talking about, the can without a vent and a special push button mechanism that requires you grow a third arm to pour. How in the hell are you supposed to pour 5 gallons of gas, which weighs about 30 pounds, aim and insert the spout with one hand, all while pushing the so called safety release button? Don’t know what I’m talking about? Then you’ve most likely never poured gas from a modern portable container. 

But it’s all about safety Jeff! Please, don’t send me a video of some moron blowing themselves up with an older style gas can because they decided to literally pour gas on a fire. Yep, that was one of the big reasons for the gas can regulation and the destruction of the gas can in the early 2000’s. No politician can eliminate stupidity through regulation. But that never stops them, does it? 

The early 2000’s regulation eliminated the vent hole and straightforward spout with a complex, annually modified safety button, trigger and a spout that incorporates a vent that doesn’t work all while pouring slowly, gulp, gulp, gulping away while usually spilling gas on the user. 

It’s all about the environment and spillage! Total nonsense propagated by people who have most likely never used a gas can. Some people are just taking the government spout off and pouring gas directly from the can through various bush fix workarounds. The reality is, more gas is probably being leaked out because people are throwing out these DC created spouts and using funnels and other contraptions. I know plenty of people who also use alternative cans, jugs and containers. How safe is that? 

#Science! I’m no scientist. I may not even be the brightest bulb in the pack but I do know this basic facet of physics when it comes to liquids flowing through a tube, pipe or spout. Any plumbing type system needs ventilation to work property. Yes, I will categorize the gas can as such a system. You have three components, 1) the can/tank which holds the liquid, 2) the tube, spout or pipe that delivers said liquid and 3) the vent hole that brings air into the system to make it flow and work propery. Ever try pouring a jug of water out…gulp, gulp, gulp…that’s the uneven sound of the jug struggling to pour the water without a vent. Poke a hole on the topside of the jug and like magic, a smooth pouring of the water. This is one of the reasons why you’ve got vent pipes on the roof of your house. Try pulling the drain plug a sink without venting and you’ll see what I mean…gulp, gulp, gulp! (If you don’t know what gulp, gulp, gulp is you probably are one of the politicians that destroyed the gas can).

A field trip for our illustrious members of Congress. Here’s what I’d like to see. Let’s encourage Congress to have a bipartisan field trip outside the back of the capital. They can all saunter outside and we’ll pull up a tractor or some type of equipment that requires gasoline. Let’s line up some modern 5 gallon gas cans and have these politicians pour the gas into the tractor. Now, my bet is they’ll need some instruction on how to accomplish this Herculean task. I bet they’ll find it quite difficult and for many impossible to pour the gas from their overly regulated government gas cans. My guess is they’ll be even more frustrated when they spill gas all over their fine $1,000 shoes and heels, manicured hands and fancy business suits. No worries because dry cleaning will most likely be on the backs of the American tax payers. If needed I can sell them some pre stained oil and gas jeans before they attend this gas pouring event. 

So how do we fix the American gas can? Pretty simple. How about some brave politician run the Fix the Gas Can Act of 2023. Don’t need a lot of lawyers on this one! Simply put, gas cans can consist of 1) a spout with a cap to pour the gas (said spout does not need to contain any flow restrictors, built in venting and must be continuous and unobstructed) 2) a vent on the gas can is allowed with a cap. PERIOD. In other words, just go back to the way the gas can was for a century prior to the genius politicians ruined it in the name of safety and environmentalism. 

If Congress can’t come together  to fix this blatant, obvious problem, how can we expect them to fix any of America’s litany of complex’s problems. This ones easy! But I’m a realist, a year from now I’ll be forced to buy some new iteration of the modern American gas can that doesn’t work.  

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